Mass Confusion

Okay. I formally admit that I am confused.

I have never been so deeply in love with these mountains as I have been in the past six months. Yet I have never felt so distinctly that my career and my romantic life need to develop in ways that are not possible in these mountains.

The release of Lost Crossings set firm in my mind the value of rooting in one place, investing, and giving back. Alaska set firm in my mind the importance of travel and new experiences to my work as a writer. On the heels of another residency, I’ve no doubt VCCA will prove to me the same thing.

But perhaps, more than the place or the career or the romance, it is the person. Me, that is…

Oftentimes we get the notion that something has to change or else, when in fact the thing that needs to change is our personal view. I have not felt very present in my life for the last 10 weeks (with the exception of Alaska, of course). Everything feels a mile a minute. I feel like I’m lifting off and I know where I’m going, yet the wind that’s taking me there is not moving at my pace or direction. This wind will take me there, but I’m not sure I like the rhythm of the ride thus far.

Something has to change and I can say it’s where I live or I can say it’s not falling in love or I can say it’s the isolated house…or I can change my view, take it all down a notch, and start living for one day at a time.

What is it, precisely, that I am so scared of?